Moving on from you

I know he’s gone and he’s not coming back. But I can’t help but feel as though we are still welded together so deeply that I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to let him go. We both had something in common, abuse. Surviving that together gave us a connection that I will never share with anyone. I can’t help but feel like all the cheating and toxic behaviour between us was a result of the abuse we both endured. I can’t stop worrying about him. It’s not that I’m worried about him being with someone else, it’s worrying if he’s OK. I know he probably is but I can’t shake the thought that something awful is happening to him and I won’t know until it’s too late. I’m scared one day I’ll read the news and find out he took his own life. He wasn’t the kind of guy that would speak openly about his feelings. So I guess I’m hoping he’s found someone to speak about his feelings to. I pray for him every night and I think a big part of my worries is my anxiety. Throughout our relationship I would often not hear from him for long periods, several times this would be due to his mother abusing him and taking away his phone. I guess my mind is holding onto that thought. It was a big reason I never left him no matter how much he hurt me, I would always fear for his safety. I only gathered the courage to leave him when he moved 100’s of miles away from home and his mother because I knew he’d finally be safe.

Regardless of how much he hurt me, I would never want any harm to come to him. I understand that I’ve spoken about him on my blog before and honestly all these posts make him sound like 3 different people. I guess he was so many different things, so beautiful yet broken. Of course, it doesn’t mean it excused what he did when cheated but our relationship was more than that of lovers. We were survivors together, best friends and a home to each other. I hope he’s found another home and it makes him feel so much happier than I ever could. I have things to work on within myself, but I guess I’m starting to realise when hurt me it wasn’t because he didn’t love me. It doesn’t take away from our relationship or what we had. Also, I can’t blame him for wanting to move on from. Our memories were made from the darkest moments of our life. To me, this explains why I’m having such a hard time letting go. I spent years looking after him, I never once worried about myself and life my mind would constantly be worrying about him, now I have all of this spare time it’s time to focus on the emotions I’ve deeply neglected within myself and make my dreams come true.

I would really appreciate some advice/tips on how to get the anxiety of worrying about him out of my mind. Thank you for reading

-Ellie 🙂

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Searching for me

We are always told to ‘be yourself’. But who do you be when you don’t actually know who you are? Life has a funny way of reminding you of your lack of identity. Why is it that most days I can’t think of a single activity I genuinely enjoy? The things that used to make me smile, no longer do. I used to have a spring in my step, now I focus on not falling as I walk. When did I go from a bright vivavious girl to someone who struggles to get out of bed after 12 hours of sleep? it’s a shocking realisation, admittedly embarrassing. I can’t help but feel as though my entire existence is a combination of letting everyone down. Most days, a fake smile is too much to ask of me. Working on overcoming all of these issues is something I hope I can successfully achieve through writing. I know my writing isn’t the best but if I can be honest with myself on here, I figure it could help me discover who I really am. I guess this blog is a search for me, here’s to hoping there’s something left to find.