An experience of mine

Recently, I’ve found myself taking a step back from people. I told a guy that I’d been speaking to that I no longer wished to do so. I made it clear all I wanted was a friend from the start of our conversations. However, as time passed he start to cross boundaries which made me feel uncomfortable. I made it clear to him once again we would only ever be friends and that I think it would be best if we didn’t speak anymore. Regardless of this he persisted, telling me private stories about his life and at any chance commenting on my posts. Pretending he was doing so to check if I was doing o.k or not, but in reality it would just be a way for him to start a conversation with me again. He would use things such as saying he would end his life if we stop talking to guilt me to speaking to him. I made it clear to him that his obsessive behaviour was starting to frighten me and I begged and pleaded him to leave me alone. I started to feel unsafe, constantly looking over my shoulder and being afraid he would just appear there. This spanned on for months, I constantly fought with myself mentally worrying about him, but also worrying about myself because of him. Speaking to him would exhaust me, it would be like constantly listening to hours of someone talk about their life and it would always be a very one sided conversation. I felt as though he needed help and before the crossing of boundaries I didn’t mind speaking to him.

Something he said about me resides in my brain, even though this is only very recent. Once I told him to leave me alone and that I would ignore him from here on. He lashed out on me, telling me I was nothing but a pretty face but my personality was so awful that no one would ever fall in love with me. My ex boyfriend also said the same thing to me and I told this guy this previously, so he used it against me. He could see that I no longer wanted to be weighed down with him emotionally draining me, so he resorted to trying to manipulate me. With threats of suicide? I mean the only reason I replied to him was because I feared he would end his life. He then spoke about it like it was a joke and laughed at how easily I was manipulated. I know he has a family who support and love him, alongside friends who adore him. But I know I wouldn’t have been able to shake the feeling of guilt if something happened to him and he had reached out to me for help. When I started to ignore him he pretty much made fake accounts to comment stuff on my posts. This included telling me that I should die a painful death and don’t deserve to live and should end my own life. He said he would never leave me alone and this was all for my benefit. Then he would go onto claim he was so heartbroken and in love with me and he didn’t even say anything wrong to me. Telling me I was being unreasonable and paranoid for no reason. He admitted stalking my posts and reading every single comment, watching out for them constantly. He also offered me the chance to be left alone SOMETIMES, if I spoke to him for a few hours a day, everyday. Or he would have to start stalking me again..

At this point, I’m not sure if he’s actually got something wrong with him mentally or if he’s just not a nice person. But this whole process taught me something about myself, I blame myself for everything. I felt guilty for leaving his life despite knowing I’d given him a chance to stop making me feel uncomfortable and crossing boundaries. That should have been enough. What I wanted and what was in my best interest should have been my number one priority. But I couldn’t help but blame myself for the situation and the way it unfolded. A part of me felt like this was what I deserved off him or anyone else in my life. Taking charge of your own life and cutting out people who cause emotional harm to you isn’t.

Thank you for reading,

Ellie

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The fear of falling behind

I often ask myself why I’m not achieving the things that my friends are, most of them are now graduates and have successful careers. But recently I’ve come to accept that everything has its own time. Social media, is never a true picture of how life is going for people you used to go to school with, it’s a snapshot of the best parts of their lives.
It’s easy to get caught up in feeling like your life is going nowhere, I have been trapped in thoughts like these for years. However, life has it’s own plans for everyone. If you know you are doing your absolute best and perhaps things aren’t going your way, know that there is nothing more you can do. Greatness and success have no time limits, some will achieve early in life others will get there later. It will not take away from what you achieve, nor will your age make what you want impossible to achieve.

It’s always ok to change your mind and start again. Your life is exactly that, yours. You can create a life that you are proud of, filled with happiness and results of your hard-work. I understand that this will be harder for some people than others, but if you find something you love doing, never let fear control or hold you back. I am a true believer that if you find something you love doing your passion and hard-work will lead to success and speak for itself. For me? It’s helping children, my life has been filled with amazing teachers who shaped the way I turned out. Their support meant more to me than they will ever know. Knowing I can help and inspire children in the same way is something that has always kept me going. Making a positive change to the world is all I want. Recently, I’m starting to feel as though it is possible.

Despite how many times I want to give up, I know I need to keep going and push myself through the tough times to achieve my dreams. I am more than my mental illness or physical disabilities. There is more to me than the way I look and the colour of my skin. It is what I have to offer the world, the passion and drive that fills and inspires me to make a change.

Thank you all for reading

Ellie

Searching for me

We are always told to ‘be yourself’. But who do you be when you don’t actually know who you are? Life has a funny way of reminding you of your lack of identity. Why is it that most days I can’t think of a single activity I genuinely enjoy? The things that used to make me smile, no longer do. I used to have a spring in my step, now I focus on not falling as I walk. When did I go from a bright vivavious girl to someone who struggles to get out of bed after 12 hours of sleep? it’s a shocking realisation, admittedly embarrassing. I can’t help but feel as though my entire existence is a combination of letting everyone down. Most days, a fake smile is too much to ask of me. Working on overcoming all of these issues is something I hope I can successfully achieve through writing. I know my writing isn’t the best but if I can be honest with myself on here, I figure it could help me discover who I really am. I guess this blog is a search for me, here’s to hoping there’s something left to find.