A love like ours is the kind of love people write stories about, but not the romantic kind that have a happy ending. It’s the kind of love that has you crying and screaming into your pillow. I’m still not sure if I wanted the pillow to suffocate my screams or me.
Before we met I was so used to not feeling anything, so feeling something with you was the first time I had felt alive in years. We were only 16, I can’t really blame you for not knowing how fragile I was. I thought you were so much more than I deserved, I guess that is telling of how much I thought of myself. You would leave me when times got tough and beg for you to return. This carried on for nearly 7 years, I honestly lost count of the times you left or cheated on me after it passed 10. I didn’t blame you for doing it, a part of me still doesn’t. We were the epitome of toxic. You would hurt me and leave, convincing me that I could make you stay if I did the things you wanted me to. You would say “a man has his needs” and remind me that you had so many other girls waiting to give you what I supposedly couldn’t. I despise myself for not realising sooner that I deserved so much than your second choice, heck I wasn’t even your second choice more of a last resort.
For some reason I still can’t seem to blame you completely. I think it’s because I see you for what you are now, a scared little boy. Like me, you were broken. Love wasn’t something you’d ever felt and the amount I had to give you frightened you. You weren’t willing to let me touch your heart so you’d push me away and break me so I would love you less. You came back into life my begging for another chance after I wrote a post about you, I’m sure it was the universe trying to teach me you don’t belong in my future. You sounded so sad for what you had done and how you had treated me. I found that strange, you never felt bad when you would scream abuse at me and call me fat and I would break down into tears begging for you to stop. How about the time you picked up a call from another girl whilst I sat in your car and listened to you tell her the same stupid lies I had fallen for over and over. You said you wanted another chance, I guess 7 years of them weren’t enough? I hate to hear you be sad, but honestly your feelings are no longer my responsibility like I had felt they were for so long. You’re no longer a little boy. You tell me you’re a man, so why is it after talking to me for a matter of 10 minutes you needed to brag about the girls who apparently pursue you?. HA. More fool me for believing you’d ever change. I hate myself for feeling sad and still missing you sometimes. I never trusted or had a relationship before you so I guess that’s why. Despite missing you I know I will never go back there. You’d call me mental and state that my mental illness caused me to be a paranoid freak because I’d accuse you of cheating on me. Then months later admit it and tell I was lucky you were so honest with me. I guess I felt like you were the only guy who would ever love me, but now I realise you never did love me. To me you are the finest drug an addict can ever get their hands on, but the highs could never make up for the crushing lows. Even though I lost you, I think I could finally be on the verge of finding myself
As hard as this is to write, I’m not ok. I’m overwhelmed with sadness and don’t want to face the world but I know I’m going to have to.
It all started last week when I opened my eyes last week but the first that came into my mind was “I wish I never lived to wake up”. I’ve spent years battling with my mental state of mind, Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die. Not really.. but living like this isn’t working for me anymore. I’ve spent years in therapy, trying various medications and I honestly can not cope anymore. The constant spiral of going downhill and having to scrape what is left of me off the sides of my corpse just to get back up and fall into feeling like this within a matter of weeks. I’m not living and right now and I’m not sure I’m coping. The worst thing is nothing has even happened, it’s just the way I am. Unable to function without having various meltdowns on a monthly basis. I’m tired feeling like this. I need space. I feel as though I am suffocating, the worst part is I am the one suffocating myself. I need space from myself.
I don’t want this post to alarm anyone, I know I’ll be fine. I feel stupid and ungrateful for even feeling this way.
I am exhausted. Two weeks of actually attending university has done this to me. I don’t feel as though I’m learning anything from the lectures, I sit there trying not to fall asleep. Being spoken at for 3 hours isn’t my idea of an enjoyable morning. Despite this, I genuinely feel as though if I learnt something new in every lecture it would convince me to attend more. But the fact that I’ve missed all my lectures and feel as though I’ve not missed a single thing tells me perhaps university really isn’t for me.
I’ve become a procrastinating queen, my educational motivation has always been relatively high but I can’t seem to convince myself to complete an essay which does not entice or engage my brain at the slightest. I can’t help but feel as though my lecturers see me and their eyes light up with $$$ signs. . Ok well that’s a bit of an exaggeration, my lecturers are pretty nice people but I can’t seem to sit through their repetitive and recycled presentations without feeling as though I’m being scammed for my money. Admittedly I’m not paying for it currently, but I will be once I graduate. I often find myself in shock when I realise I’m pretty much paying £9000 a year for information I could have probably got off of the internet for free. There is nothing to be learnt here so why am I being charged so much money for something so not worth it? University and the idea of it exhausts me mentally, it’s nothing but a box ticking exercise. Pretty much all of education is, but I had hoped for something more interesting and engaging at higher education. Hats off to anyone who actually committed to and completed any higher education qualification because right now, I can’t see that happening for me.
if you’ve experienced something similar I would really appreciate some wisdom and advice. I’m so torn between dropping out because I’m half way through the degree and have already wasted so much money so I feel as though I should have something to show for it. However, I’m exhausted and seriously bored of university and the whole situation surrounding it.
Thank you for reading 🙂
This week has been pretty awful. Nothing particularly bad has happened but within myself, I’ve been struggling deeply. When my mood dips I’ve been trying to find a reason. To this date, I’ve not found one. This in itself is deeply irritating, I find myself staying up at night filled with anger and frustration. Surely I should know my body and why it’s unable to manage perfectly normal situations without having a meltdown and trapping me into the confines of my own home. Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m like this. I feel like I’m running out of avenues to explore and hope is in short supply. None the less, it’s there. Things can’t be bad forever, it can’t always rain. Maybe all of this is in preparation for a burst of sunshine to appear in my life or maybe I’ll wake up one day and become that giant burst of sunshine.
..Or so I keep telling myself. But the truth of it is, things can’t get much worse, so giving up now would be giving up on myself and not sticking around to see the change I’m so desperate for.
Thank you for reading, I hope you’re all having a great weekend and are feeling a lot better than I currently am. If you’re also struggling feel free to contact me, I’m always more than happy to listen and help if I can