An experience of mine

Recently, I’ve found myself taking a step back from people. I told a guy that I’d been speaking to that I no longer wished to do so. I made it clear all I wanted was a friend from the start of our conversations. However, as time passed he start to cross boundaries which made me feel uncomfortable. I made it clear to him once again we would only ever be friends and that I think it would be best if we didn’t speak anymore. Regardless of this he persisted, telling me private stories about his life and at any chance commenting on my posts. Pretending he was doing so to check if I was doing o.k or not, but in reality it would just be a way for him to start a conversation with me again. He would use things such as saying he would end his life if we stop talking to guilt me to speaking to him. I made it clear to him that his obsessive behaviour was starting to frighten me and I begged and pleaded him to leave me alone. I started to feel unsafe, constantly looking over my shoulder and being afraid he would just appear there. This spanned on for months, I constantly fought with myself mentally worrying about him, but also worrying about myself because of him. Speaking to him would exhaust me, it would be like constantly listening to hours of someone talk about their life and it would always be a very one sided conversation. I felt as though he needed help and before the crossing of boundaries I didn’t mind speaking to him.

Something he said about me resides in my brain, even though this is only very recent. Once I told him to leave me alone and that I would ignore him from here on. He lashed out on me, telling me I was nothing but a pretty face but my personality was so awful that no one would ever fall in love with me. My ex boyfriend also said the same thing to me and I told this guy this previously, so he used it against me. He could see that I no longer wanted to be weighed down with him emotionally draining me, so he resorted to trying to manipulate me. With threats of suicide? I mean the only reason I replied to him was because I feared he would end his life. He then spoke about it like it was a joke and laughed at how easily I was manipulated. I know he has a family who support and love him, alongside friends who adore him. But I know I wouldn’t have been able to shake the feeling of guilt if something happened to him and he had reached out to me for help. When I started to ignore him he pretty much made fake accounts to comment stuff on my posts. This included telling me that I should die a painful death and don’t deserve to live and should end my own life. He said he would never leave me alone and this was all for my benefit. Then he would go onto claim he was so heartbroken and in love with me and he didn’t even say anything wrong to me. Telling me I was being unreasonable and paranoid for no reason. He admitted stalking my posts and reading every single comment, watching out for them constantly. He also offered me the chance to be left alone SOMETIMES, if I spoke to him for a few hours a day, everyday. Or he would have to start stalking me again..

At this point, I’m not sure if he’s actually got something wrong with him mentally or if he’s just not a nice person. But this whole process taught me something about myself, I blame myself for everything. I felt guilty for leaving his life despite knowing I’d given him a chance to stop making me feel uncomfortable and crossing boundaries. That should have been enough. What I wanted and what was in my best interest should have been my number one priority. But I couldn’t help but blame myself for the situation and the way it unfolded. A part of me felt like this was what I deserved off him or anyone else in my life. Taking charge of your own life and cutting out people who cause emotional harm to you isn’t.

Thank you for reading,

Ellie

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I don’t think I’m coping

As hard as this is to write, I’m not ok. I’m overwhelmed with sadness and don’t want to face the world but I know I’m going to have to.

It all started last week when I opened my eyes last week but the first that came into my mind was “I wish I never lived to wake up”. I’ve spent years battling with my mental state of mind, Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die. Not really.. but living like this isn’t working for me anymore. I’ve spent years in therapy, trying various medications and I honestly can not cope anymore. The constant spiral of going downhill and having to scrape what is left of me off the sides of my corpse just to get back up and fall into feeling like this within a matter of weeks. I’m not living and right now and I’m not sure I’m coping. The worst thing is nothing has even happened, it’s just the way I am. Unable to function without having various meltdowns on a monthly basis. I’m tired feeling like this. I need space. I feel as though I am suffocating, the worst part is I am the one suffocating myself. I need space from myself.

I don’t want this post to alarm anyone, I know I’ll be fine. I feel stupid and ungrateful for even feeling this way.

Hope and life

This week has been pretty awful. Nothing particularly bad has happened but within myself, I’ve been struggling deeply. When my mood dips I’ve been trying to find a reason. To this date, I’ve not found one. This in itself is deeply irritating, I find myself staying up at night filled with anger and frustration. Surely I should know my body and why it’s unable to manage perfectly normal situations without having a meltdown and trapping me into the confines of my own home. Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m like this. I feel like I’m running out of avenues to explore and hope is in short supply. None the less, it’s there. Things can’t be bad forever, it can’t always rain. Maybe all of this is in preparation for a burst of sunshine to appear in my life or maybe I’ll wake up one day and become that giant burst of sunshine.

..Or so I keep telling myself. But the truth of it is, things can’t get much worse, so giving up now would be giving up on myself and not sticking around to see the change I’m so desperate for.

Thank you for reading, I hope you’re all having a great weekend and are feeling a lot better than I currently am. If you’re also struggling feel free to contact me, I’m always more than happy to listen and help if I can