What if I love myself today?

I’ve spent so many years telling myself “I’ll be happy when……”. A big thing I would always tell myself is that once I’d lost weight I’d love myself so much more and be filled with happiness. So I did it, I lost weight and got to my ideal weight. I went to the gym every day for an hour, sometimes twice a day. Lifted heavy weights, did squats and got the body I’d always dreamt of. But I would still look in the mirror and not love myself. For me this was the worst part, everything I’d dreamt of as an overweight teenager I now had. It’s funny because everyday I would go to the gym, but if I weighed 0.1lb more than I did the day before I would feel disgusted with myself looking in the mirror and convince myself that people were looking at me because I was so fat and disgusting. I’ve spent years of my life trapped in a cycle of hating myself and not liking who was, always telling myself if I was just perfect I would be able to love myself finally.

So today I thought, what if I loved myself today? What if instead of feeling disgusted at myself I thanked my body for all the years it’s spent functioning, despite me never loving or appreciating it the way I should have. Telling yourself you’ll love yourself when something has changed in your life will mean the love you have for yourself is conditional. Often I’ve dreamt of someone meeting and loving me in an unconditional way, but how can I ever have the love I deserve if I don’t love myself? And if someone does love me unconditionally, when I don’t love myself in the same way my self-worth will always be determined by how others treat me. It makes me sad to think of all the times I’ve got something good and heard the voice in my brain tell me I don’t deserve anything good. Loving yourself doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anyone or that you’re shallow. It just means telling yourself, that you are worthy and beautiful and deserve to be happy. Life is about being grateful and I am grateful for the body that I have been gifted with. It’s taken me so long to realise that no matter if I am 240lbs or 120 lbs, my body is doing an amazing job. Protecting and loving me, healing me when I bleed and growing, even when I haven’t looked after it. I’ve struggled with self-love for so long, but I really feel as though I am turning a page. It doesn’t meant I’ll love myself completely when I wake up tomorrow. But day by day, I will be working towards it. Healing your soul and mind is often a long process and it’s easy to lose yourself at times. All I can say is be patient with yourself and give yourself the love and advice you would give your dearest friend. Often we can be so unkind to ourselves and not notice.

I hope who ever is reading this post is in good health. If thing aren’t going great at the moment remember, even your worst days can only last 24 hours. Feel free to e-mail/contact me if you need someone to talk to and thanks for reading.

-Ellie 🙂

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The fear of falling behind

I often ask myself why I’m not achieving the things that my friends are, most of them are now graduates and have successful careers. But recently I’ve come to accept that everything has its own time. Social media, is never a true picture of how life is going for people you used to go to school with, it’s a snapshot of the best parts of their lives.
It’s easy to get caught up in feeling like your life is going nowhere, I have been trapped in thoughts like these for years. However, life has it’s own plans for everyone. If you know you are doing your absolute best and perhaps things aren’t going your way, know that there is nothing more you can do. Greatness and success have no time limits, some will achieve early in life others will get there later. It will not take away from what you achieve, nor will your age make what you want impossible to achieve.

It’s always ok to change your mind and start again. Your life is exactly that, yours. You can create a life that you are proud of, filled with happiness and results of your hard-work. I understand that this will be harder for some people than others, but if you find something you love doing, never let fear control or hold you back. I am a true believer that if you find something you love doing your passion and hard-work will lead to success and speak for itself. For me? It’s helping children, my life has been filled with amazing teachers who shaped the way I turned out. Their support meant more to me than they will ever know. Knowing I can help and inspire children in the same way is something that has always kept me going. Making a positive change to the world is all I want. Recently, I’m starting to feel as though it is possible.

Despite how many times I want to give up, I know I need to keep going and push myself through the tough times to achieve my dreams. I am more than my mental illness or physical disabilities. There is more to me than the way I look and the colour of my skin. It is what I have to offer the world, the passion and drive that fills and inspires me to make a change.

Thank you all for reading

Ellie

Moving on from you

I know he’s gone and he’s not coming back. But I can’t help but feel as though we are still welded together so deeply that I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to let him go. We both had something in common, abuse. Surviving that together gave us a connection that I will never share with anyone. I can’t help but feel like all the cheating and toxic behaviour between us was a result of the abuse we both endured. I can’t stop worrying about him. It’s not that I’m worried about him being with someone else, it’s worrying if he’s OK. I know he probably is but I can’t shake the thought that something awful is happening to him and I won’t know until it’s too late. I’m scared one day I’ll read the news and find out he took his own life. He wasn’t the kind of guy that would speak openly about his feelings. So I guess I’m hoping he’s found someone to speak about his feelings to. I pray for him every night and I think a big part of my worries is my anxiety. Throughout our relationship I would often not hear from him for long periods, several times this would be due to his mother abusing him and taking away his phone. I guess my mind is holding onto that thought. It was a big reason I never left him no matter how much he hurt me, I would always fear for his safety. I only gathered the courage to leave him when he moved 100’s of miles away from home and his mother because I knew he’d finally be safe.

Regardless of how much he hurt me, I would never want any harm to come to him. I understand that I’ve spoken about him on my blog before and honestly all these posts make him sound like 3 different people. I guess he was so many different things, so beautiful yet broken. Of course, it doesn’t mean it excused what he did when cheated but our relationship was more than that of lovers. We were survivors together, best friends and a home to each other. I hope he’s found another home and it makes him feel so much happier than I ever could. I have things to work on within myself, but I guess I’m starting to realise when hurt me it wasn’t because he didn’t love me. It doesn’t take away from our relationship or what we had. Also, I can’t blame him for wanting to move on from. Our memories were made from the darkest moments of our life. To me, this explains why I’m having such a hard time letting go. I spent years looking after him, I never once worried about myself and life my mind would constantly be worrying about him, now I have all of this spare time it’s time to focus on the emotions I’ve deeply neglected within myself and make my dreams come true.

I would really appreciate some advice/tips on how to get the anxiety of worrying about him out of my mind. Thank you for reading

-Ellie 🙂

Hope and life

This week has been pretty awful. Nothing particularly bad has happened but within myself, I’ve been struggling deeply. When my mood dips I’ve been trying to find a reason. To this date, I’ve not found one. This in itself is deeply irritating, I find myself staying up at night filled with anger and frustration. Surely I should know my body and why it’s unable to manage perfectly normal situations without having a meltdown and trapping me into the confines of my own home. Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m like this. I feel like I’m running out of avenues to explore and hope is in short supply. None the less, it’s there. Things can’t be bad forever, it can’t always rain. Maybe all of this is in preparation for a burst of sunshine to appear in my life or maybe I’ll wake up one day and become that giant burst of sunshine.

..Or so I keep telling myself. But the truth of it is, things can’t get much worse, so giving up now would be giving up on myself and not sticking around to see the change I’m so desperate for.

Thank you for reading, I hope you’re all having a great weekend and are feeling a lot better than I currently am. If you’re also struggling feel free to contact me, I’m always more than happy to listen and help if I can