Life seems to have caught up on me again, I’ve spent the past few weeks drowning in what seems to be nothing. I have no reason or explanation for it, I suppose I’m just meant to accept that this is the way I am. I guess this is how my body copes with life and without it, perhaps it wouldn’t be able to. Being sad is something I grew fond of, now I don’t even have that. I’m just an empty shell of a human, I can barely smile anymore or perhaps I don’t care to fake anymore smiles. I’ve spent a long time pretending to be someone I wasn’t to the people closest to me. Letting them believe I’m doing great and for a while I actually was. But now, I’m not so sure. I don’t really have anyone to talk to, no friends or people I can trust to speak to without the feeling that I’m being judged or burdening them with my stupidity. It’s moments like these that I miss him most, when my world used to fall apart around me I could always count on him to hold me up and never let me get to this dark place that was my home before I met him.
I know I’ll get through this, but I just need time to not be OK. I just need space from the people around me, because around them I feel even lonelier.
Tell me one day I’ll wake up and you won’t be the first thought on my mind. Tell me I won’t check my phone for a text from you. Tell me every song on the radio won’t remind me of you. Tell me one day your name won’t be the first that appears in my mind anything happens. Tell me I won’t spend my days worrying about you. Tell me I’ll find someone who will make me feel, the way you made me feel. Tell me I’m not completely broken beyond repair. I know you’re moving on and it’s all over. But i’m scared it won’t ever really be over, not for me anyway. I’m scared that no matter how hard I try I’ll never find anyone who loves me the way you did. I know our love was highly dysfunctional, but that is the only kind of love I’ve ever know. Perhaps, it is the only kind of love I will ever deserve.
Being an Asian female, I’m constant bombarded with questions about when I’m going to get married. Honestly I don’t think I ever will. As much as I hate myself feeling like this, I feel as though I would be betraying you for even entertaining the thought. It’s stupid because you cheated on me so many times when you had me. I still miss you, all the time. Not that I would ever admit it to you. When an Asian aunt mentions how their son and me would make a great match I can just feel my face freeze and I immediately try not to cry. It’s stupid because that’s all I seem to do. It’s like I couldn’t live with you, but living with out you is proving equally impossible. You were my first love, my only love. I don’t think I can give my heart away to anyone else. No one even knows I’m sad, I’ve become too good at faking a smile for anyone to ever question it. I feel like I’m mourning your death, but I’m the one it’s killing. The thought of moving on without you is killing me, but I guess it’s what I have to do. I pray that I find the strength to move on or at least to stop being such a damn mess. Until then, my smudged mascara can become a smoky eye instead.
You always said you loved me more, but I’m starting to question if you ever loved me at all. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss you, because it’s all I seem to do. My brain is swarmed with thoughts of you. Even in my dreams you haunt me. I wish I could just run back into your arms, I wish I could feel safe again. I don’t blame you for giving up on me, I gave up on myself long before you ever did.
Losing you was like losing myself, we were together for long that you became a part of me. Now you’re gone it gets harder to convince myself to get out of bed every day. The voices in my head have become so loud that I’m drowning. I know things will get better, but I’m not sure I want them to. Without you, I don’t see the point. It’s been so long since you’ve been gone. I’ve stopped hoping you’ll be back, but my stupid heart won’t drop it. I can’t help but hope every text I get is from you, my heart sinks with the stupid but obvious realisation that it isn’t. I can’t say that you broke my heart, it was always broken. But I can say I hate you, for breaking down the walls I built to protect myself. Then breaking me. As much as I love and miss you I can’t convince myself to forgive you. Knowing that I gave you my all and that wasn’t enough for you kills me, but so does being away from you. Knowing that we’ll never have the forever we dreamt of makes me wonder if I’ll ever believe in anyone again. There have been other guys I couldn’t let them close enough to see the real me. I could never love them the way I loved you, so I let them go.
I hope you’ve found someone who gives you everything I didn’t. I hope she makes you feel the way you made me feel. I hope all your dreams are coming true and your life is filled with the things we always spoke about. I hope I never bump into you or see you again. If I did, I’m not sure I could do it with a smile on my face without tears streaming down my cheeks. I’d be lying if I said I don’t imagine you coming back to me and saving me like my knight in shining armour that you always were. But I will say this, I need to be my own hero and save myself. Otherwise all I will ever know is drowning and I can’t depend on you or anyone else to save me.