Guilt about speaking my truth

This week has been hectic, but it started off with my attending an appointment with a clinical psychiatrist. When talking to her I found myself letting go of a lot of information that I would have once held back when speaking to a mental health professional. To my surprise she was more than willing to listen, making feel like more of a person than a patient. Whilst speaking to her I mentioned my Mother and Father. I spoke about all the times that they had been verbally abusive and I had witnessed them viciously arguing for years as a child. I spoke about how my mother would sob and cry about the fact that I was born and how my birth had ruined everything. As a young child (probably around 6 ), I was unsure of how to react when these things happened. Admitting that my childhood has shaped how I am as a person was hard. I spoke the words and as I watched the psychiatrist writing on her paper pad, I instantly regretted it. I was sure to mention I love my parents and I know they’ve done a lot for me. I’m sure she also wrote all of those things. But seeing the shock on her face when I mentioned what my parents were like, made me take a step back and realise that I did the right thing in mentioning it. Despite this, I can’t shake the feeling of guilt that I feel for speaking about my parents in such a way. All of the things I spoke about were factual, I didn’t make anything up or say how I felt about what they did, just said what happened. I know it was all true, but saying the words out loud was painful for me. I felt as though I had betrayed my parents, who despite everything I love dearly. All week I’ve been trying to shake this feeling, but can’t seem to stop feeling awful . Listening to the sound of my own voice speaking in such a normal way was also shocking to me. I just spoke about it as though it was completely normal, which I suppose it is for me. If I had a child come into my care I would have been concerned for their well-being had they mentioned the things I did. I know my parents aren’t going to get into trouble because I’m an adult so there’s no safeguarding concern. So I don’t know why I can’t shake the feeling of guilt. I guess I’ve just got to keep reminding myself that I did what was best for my mental health care and no matter what I still love them.

Thank you for reading

Ellie:)

Advertisements

A little bit about my toxic family

Living at home as a child was always the wildest roller-coaster, the ups and downs always left me confused. How could it be that my parents would argue and scream at the top of their lungs and then 10 minutes later be laughing with each other as though nothing had ever happened. I completely understand that a lot of couples argue, but the way my parents argued made me think the world was ending. They would scream at the top of their lungs, hurling abuse at each one another and my mother would be hysterically sobbing. Seeing them interact with each other now, I can sense the same toxic patterns in them. It puzzles me that they’ve stayed together for long and not actually killed each other.

Don’t get me wrong I adore my mum and dad and appreciate all they’ve done for me, but their relationship is far from ideal. Some of my siblings act in a very similar way to my parents. My older sister would often physically assault me as a child and then pretend nothing had happened. If anything, she would then get angry at me for bleeding on the floor. She would then continue to run around and act as though she had done nothing, without an ounce of guilt. This would all be whilst I cried in pain. Unfortunately, she’s still stuck in the same mental state and still refuses to apologise to people when she verbally abuses them and expects things to go back to normal automatically. I’ve pondered on these thoughts for the longest time, am I the issue? Is it normal for people to treat each other like this and then suddenly act normal with no apology or remorse? Should I have just let my sister physically assault me and got over it? I refuse to believe that this is an actual ‘normal’ thing to happen.

I would love to hear some opinions, is this an actual thing that happens in healthy families? Am I being over dramatic or over sensitive?

Thank you for reading!