Moving on without you

Being an Asian female, I’m constant bombarded with questions about when I’m going to get married. Honestly I don’t think I ever will. As much as I hate myself feeling like this, I feel as though I would be betraying you for even entertaining the thought. It’s stupid because you cheated on me so many times when you had me. I still miss you, all the time. Not that I would ever admit it to you. When an Asian aunt mentions how their son and me would make a great match I can just feel my face freeze and I immediately try not to cry. It’s stupid because that’s all I seem to do. It’s like I couldn’t live with you, but living with out you is proving equally impossible. You were my first love, my only love. I don’t think I can give my heart away to anyone else. No one even knows I’m sad, I’ve become too good at faking a smile for anyone to ever question it. I feel like I’m mourning your death, but I’m the one it’s killing. The thought of moving on without you is killing me, but I guess it’s what I have to do. I pray that I find the strength to move on or at least to stop being such a damn mess. Until then, my smudged mascara can become a smoky eye instead.

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