Little changes are making a difference

I’ve always had this way of managing my feelings and events in ways that lead to long term damage to my emotional health. Accepting my flaws, however painful is something that I’ve realised I need to do. In order to become a better and happier person for myself and those I engage with I’ve started to look at patterns in my life. When I say this I mean I have looked at things that went wrong or situations that ended badly. Then, I ask myself how my behaviour and actions impacted the situation in a negative way. Reflecting on situations has been so insightful, it has allowed me to make small changes to my behaviour when met with similar situations. I understand that not all situations can be changed, but if I can reduce the damage they cause to me emotionally and stop escalation I know I’m winning. I’m hoping long term this will benefit my mental health and also the amount of positive energy inside me which will then go onto the amazing children I interact with daily. I hope to keep you all updated on my progress.

Thanks for reading 🙂

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What if I love myself today?

I’ve spent so many years telling myself “I’ll be happy when……”. A big thing I would always tell myself is that once I’d lost weight I’d love myself so much more and be filled with happiness. So I did it, I lost weight and got to my ideal weight. I went to the gym every day for an hour, sometimes twice a day. Lifted heavy weights, did squats and got the body I’d always dreamt of. But I would still look in the mirror and not love myself. For me this was the worst part, everything I’d dreamt of as an overweight teenager I now had. It’s funny because everyday I would go to the gym, but if I weighed 0.1lb more than I did the day before I would feel disgusted with myself looking in the mirror and convince myself that people were looking at me because I was so fat and disgusting. I’ve spent years of my life trapped in a cycle of hating myself and not liking who was, always telling myself if I was just perfect I would be able to love myself finally.

So today I thought, what if I loved myself today? What if instead of feeling disgusted at myself I thanked my body for all the years it’s spent functioning, despite me never loving or appreciating it the way I should have. Telling yourself you’ll love yourself when something has changed in your life will mean the love you have for yourself is conditional. Often I’ve dreamt of someone meeting and loving me in an unconditional way, but how can I ever have the love I deserve if I don’t love myself? And if someone does love me unconditionally, when I don’t love myself in the same way my self-worth will always be determined by how others treat me. It makes me sad to think of all the times I’ve got something good and heard the voice in my brain tell me I don’t deserve anything good. Loving yourself doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anyone or that you’re shallow. It just means telling yourself, that you are worthy and beautiful and deserve to be happy. Life is about being grateful and I am grateful for the body that I have been gifted with. It’s taken me so long to realise that no matter if I am 240lbs or 120 lbs, my body is doing an amazing job. Protecting and loving me, healing me when I bleed and growing, even when I haven’t looked after it. I’ve struggled with self-love for so long, but I really feel as though I am turning a page. It doesn’t meant I’ll love myself completely when I wake up tomorrow. But day by day, I will be working towards it. Healing your soul and mind is often a long process and it’s easy to lose yourself at times. All I can say is be patient with yourself and give yourself the love and advice you would give your dearest friend. Often we can be so unkind to ourselves and not notice.

I hope who ever is reading this post is in good health. If thing aren’t going great at the moment remember, even your worst days can only last 24 hours. Feel free to e-mail/contact me if you need someone to talk to and thanks for reading.

-Ellie 🙂