As hard as this is to write, I’m not ok. I’m overwhelmed with sadness and don’t want to face the world but I know I’m going to have to.
It all started last week when I opened my eyes last week but the first that came into my mind was “I wish I never lived to wake up”. I’ve spent years battling with my mental state of mind, Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die. Not really.. but living like this isn’t working for me anymore. I’ve spent years in therapy, trying various medications and I honestly can not cope anymore. The constant spiral of going downhill and having to scrape what is left of me off the sides of my corpse just to get back up and fall into feeling like this within a matter of weeks. I’m not living and right now and I’m not sure I’m coping. The worst thing is nothing has even happened, it’s just the way I am. Unable to function without having various meltdowns on a monthly basis. I’m tired feeling like this. I need space. I feel as though I am suffocating, the worst part is I am the one suffocating myself. I need space from myself.
I don’t want this post to alarm anyone, I know I’ll be fine. I feel stupid and ungrateful for even feeling this way.