To the only boy I’ve ever loved

You always said you loved me more, but I’m starting to question if you ever loved me at all. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss you, because it’s all I seem to do. My brain is swarmed with thoughts of you. Even in my dreams you haunt me. I wish I could just run back into your arms, I wish I could feel safe again. I don’t blame you for giving up on me, I gave up on myself long before you ever did.

Losing you was like losing myself, we were together for long that you became a part of me. Now you’re gone it gets harder to convince myself to get out of bed every day. The voices in my head have become so loud that I’m drowning. I know things will get better, but I’m not sure I want them to. Without you, I don’t see the point. It’s been so long since you’ve been gone. I’ve stopped hoping you’ll be back, but my stupid heart won’t drop it. I can’t help but hope every text I get is from you, my heart sinks with the stupid but obvious realisation that it isn’t. I can’t say that you broke my heart, it was always broken. But I can say I hate you, for breaking down the walls I built to protect myself. Then breaking me. As much as I love and miss you I can’t convince myself to forgive you. Knowing that I gave you my all and that wasn’t enough for you kills me, but so does being away from you. Knowing that we’ll never have the forever we dreamt of makes me wonder if I’ll ever believe in anyone again. There have been other guys I couldn’t let them close enough to see the real me. I could never love them the way I loved you, so I let them go.

I hope you’ve found someone who gives you everything I didn’t. I hope she makes you feel the way you made me feel. I hope all your dreams are coming true and your life is filled with the things we always spoke about. I hope I never bump into you or see you again. If I did, I’m not sure I could do it with a smile on my face without tears streaming down my cheeks. I’d be lying if I said I don’t imagine you coming back to me and saving me like my knight in shining armour that you always were. But I will say this, I need to be my own hero and save myself. Otherwise all I will ever know is drowning and I can’t depend on you or anyone else to save me.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “To the only boy I’ve ever loved

  1. Hi Dear friend Ellie, Thanks for sharing your story. People are so emotional and some times they don’t know what to do and what they expect from life. At last they realise when everything is lost.
    Thanks for your story.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s