To the only boy I’ve ever loved

You always said you loved me more, but I’m starting to question if you ever loved me at all. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss you, because it’s all I seem to do. My brain is swarmed with thoughts of you. Even in my dreams you haunt me. I wish I could just run back into your arms, I wish I could feel safe again. I don’t blame you for giving up on me, I gave up on myself long before you ever did.

Losing you was like losing myself, we were together for long that you became a part of me. Now you’re gone it gets harder to convince myself to get out of bed every day. The voices in my head have become so loud that I’m drowning. I know things will get better, but I’m not sure I want them to. Without you, I don’t see the point. It’s been so long since you’ve been gone. I’ve stopped hoping you’ll be back, but my stupid heart won’t drop it. I can’t help but hope every text I get is from you, my heart sinks with the stupid but obvious realisation that it isn’t. I can’t say that you broke my heart, it was always broken. But I can say I hate you, for breaking down the walls I built to protect myself. Then breaking me. As much as I love and miss you I can’t convince myself to forgive you. Knowing that I gave you my all and that wasn’t enough for you kills me, but so does being away from you. Knowing that we’ll never have the forever we dreamt of makes me wonder if I’ll ever believe in anyone again. There have been other guys I couldn’t let them close enough to see the real me. I could never love them the way I loved you, so I let them go.

I hope you’ve found someone who gives you everything I didn’t. I hope she makes you feel the way you made me feel. I hope all your dreams are coming true and your life is filled with the things we always spoke about. I hope I never bump into you or see you again. If I did, I’m not sure I could do it with a smile on my face without tears streaming down my cheeks. I’d be lying if I said I don’t imagine you coming back to me and saving me like my knight in shining armour that you always were. But I will say this, I need to be my own hero and save myself. Otherwise all I will ever know is drowning and I can’t depend on you or anyone else to save me.

University

I am exhausted. Two weeks of actually attending university has done this to me. I don’t feel as though I’m learning anything from the lectures, I sit there trying not to fall asleep. Being spoken at for 3 hours isn’t my idea of an enjoyable morning. Despite this, I genuinely feel as though if I learnt something new in every lecture it would convince me to attend more. But the fact that I’ve missed all my lectures and feel as though I’ve not missed a single thing tells me perhaps university really isn’t for me.

I’ve become a procrastinating queen, my educational motivation has always been relatively high but I can’t seem to convince myself to complete an essay which does not entice or engage my brain at the slightest. I can’t help but feel as though my lecturers see me and their eyes light up with $$$ signs. . Ok well that’s a bit of an exaggeration, my lecturers are pretty nice people but I can’t seem to sit through their repetitive and recycled presentations without feeling as though I’m being scammed for my money. Admittedly I’m not paying for it currently, but I will be once I graduate. I often find myself in shock when I realise I’m pretty much paying £9000 a year for information I could have probably got off of the internet for free. There is nothing to be learnt here so why am I being charged so much money for something so not worth it? University and the idea of it exhausts me mentally, it’s nothing but a box ticking exercise. Pretty much all of education is, but I had hoped for something more interesting and engaging at higher education. Hats off to anyone who actually committed to and completed any higher education qualification because right now, I can’t see that happening for me.

if you’ve experienced something similar I would really appreciate some wisdom and advice. I’m so torn between dropping out because I’m half way through the degree and have already wasted so much money so I feel as though I should have something to show for it. However, I’m exhausted and seriously bored of university and the whole situation surrounding it.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Searching for me

We are always told to ‘be yourself’. But who do you be when you don’t actually know who you are? Life has a funny way of reminding you of your lack of identity. Why is it that most days I can’t think of a single activity I genuinely enjoy? The things that used to make me smile, no longer do. I used to have a spring in my step, now I focus on not falling as I walk. When did I go from a bright vivavious girl to someone who struggles to get out of bed after 12 hours of sleep? it’s a shocking realisation, admittedly embarrassing. I can’t help but feel as though my entire existence is a combination of letting everyone down. Most days, a fake smile is too much to ask of me. Working on overcoming all of these issues is something I hope I can successfully achieve through writing. I know my writing isn’t the best but if I can be honest with myself on here, I figure it could help me discover who I really am. I guess this blog is a search for me, here’s to hoping there’s something left to find.

I don’t think I’m coping

As hard as this is to write, I’m not ok. I’m overwhelmed with sadness and don’t want to face the world but I know I’m going to have to.

It all started last week when I opened my eyes last week but the first that came into my mind was “I wish I never lived to wake up”. I’ve spent years battling with my mental state of mind, Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die. Not really.. but living like this isn’t working for me anymore. I’ve spent years in therapy, trying various medications and I honestly can not cope anymore. The constant spiral of going downhill and having to scrape what is left of me off the sides of my corpse just to get back up and fall into feeling like this within a matter of weeks. I’m not living and right now and I’m not sure I’m coping. The worst thing is nothing has even happened, it’s just the way I am. Unable to function without having various meltdowns on a monthly basis. I’m tired feeling like this. I need space. I feel as though I am suffocating, the worst part is I am the one suffocating myself. I need space from myself.

I don’t want this post to alarm anyone, I know I’ll be fine. I feel stupid and ungrateful for even feeling this way.

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Hope and life

This week has been pretty awful. Nothing particularly bad has happened but within myself, I’ve been struggling deeply. When my mood dips I’ve been trying to find a reason. To this date, I’ve not found one. This in itself is deeply irritating, I find myself staying up at night filled with anger and frustration. Surely I should know my body and why it’s unable to manage perfectly normal situations without having a meltdown and trapping me into the confines of my own home. Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m like this. I feel like I’m running out of avenues to explore and hope is in short supply. None the less, it’s there. Things can’t be bad forever, it can’t always rain. Maybe all of this is in preparation for a burst of sunshine to appear in my life or maybe I’ll wake up one day and become that giant burst of sunshine.

..Or so I keep telling myself. But the truth of it is, things can’t get much worse, so giving up now would be giving up on myself and not sticking around to see the change I’m so desperate for.

Thank you for reading, I hope you’re all having a great weekend and are feeling a lot better than I currently am. If you’re also struggling feel free to contact me, I’m always more than happy to listen and help if I can